back again!

well I didn't really go anywhere. I made my blog private for a couple days, mostly in an attempt to stop people from stealing my pics and making fake facebook pages to scam people with, but then I got some emails from you guys (hi ::waves:: didn't know anyone was still out there. this blog is so pathetic, I know, I'm sorry!)

and I decided "meh" I'll go back to public.

you can tell a lot of thought goes into these things, huh? lol. i am really really deep, I tell ya.

no but really, I am gonna get deep here...

honestly after getting really mad/upset about the whole fake profile/my kids pictures on other peoples facebook pages/ scammers using my identity. i kinda just came back to reality and am over it.

obviously i need to watermark my pictures on here, but I cant do it for the last 4 years. so it is what is is. they are still MY children. This is still my beautiful life that I love and that I live. NOT someone elses. despite what facebook says.

the biggest thing i've realized is that I feel sad for whoever stole my pics. sad that they've come to that place in their life where they think that's okay. And sad that they don't have a crazy loud family that takes up all of their time and thus makes scamming people on the internet the furthest thing from their mind.

i picture them like the people on that show 'catfish' and it makes me want to reach out for a hug. those people are so depressed and just looking for an escape. i really hope that you (yes, you scammer, since you stole the pics off this blog), can go look in the mirror and say "i am not that person". I am not that creepy person who steals other peoples photos and then tries to make money using fake profiles depicting me as a nice mother of three. i am better than that. Because you are.

Even if that was you last week, that doesn't have to be you tomorrow. I am 100% sure that you are better than that. If money is the issue, please please lean on friends and family until you can get your feet on the ground. There is no shame in that! If you have no friends or family, well I feel for you. That's rough. Join a meetup group or a church, or just do what I do when I am feeling desperate... lay it ALL out there to whoever will listen! The grocery store guy. A chick on the plane. My mom. My neighbor. A stranger on the internet. You would be AMAZED at how open and helpful people are if you are HONEST with them, and genuine, and KIND. If you are being yourself, they will see that. Do THAT. BE YOU.

Don't use your life in a negative way. Negativity feeds negativity. Put good stuff out in the universe. Open doors for people, smile even if people are assholes to you, be nice to them. Kill 'em with kindness. Eventually you will get some kindness in return.

I am sorry you are so down that you think that it's okay to steal my photos and pretend to be me. I can promise you that 75% of the time I am not smiling and picture perfect (neither are my kids) like we are in those photos. I am just like you, except I made different choices. It's not too late to make better choices. I wish you the best of luck... truly... because at the end of the day, you are a person and we all make mistakes.

Defined

Last year:

This year:

I've always felt a bit like a traitor in the mom world, because I don't feel like I define myself as an eM-Oh-eM the way other moms do. In many ways, I feel like I try really hard to distance myself from that label -- something I'm a bit nervous to admit.

My kids aren't my entire existence. I have a husband, friends, my siblings, my family, running, photography, cheese, bacon... you know, other important things.

I like to think that when one looks at me and I'm by myself, they don't immediately think "she's a mom".

I don't do normal mom things. I don't know my kids heights or weights, or if they are advanced in any way. I don't memorize report cards or push them into sports that I like. If my kids get sick, I don't usually take them to the doctor right away, preferring to let stuff pass on their own. I rarely shop for my kids. I let them pick out their own clothes and don't care if they look a bit homeless. I don't know anything about anything that every other mom knows. Like, what the best sunscreen is? Not a clue. What every ingredient is that I feed my child? Clueless. When they should get vaccinations and why? I just listen to my doctor. What diaper is best? I don't know. I don't do any fancy decorations for their bday parties. I don't have them on a strict schedule, if they want to stay up late, I'm usually cool with it, as long as they are well behaved.

And the list goes on and on and on of things I don't know or do.

I don't facebook every single thing my kids say or do. Though today, I thought about posting the following:

You know you're a parent when you say: "okay, that's it, I'm gonna be mean. I'm taking away your bandaids!"

Or when you say "there are starving kids in this world that would love to eat your healthy dinner! In fact, there are kids that will walk a mile just to get clean water! You guys don't know how good you have it!"

Reading it back, I don't think it's as funny in writing, but in person, I laughed to myself that we had become "parents". The cliched parents. I love it. Makes me wish we had twenty kids.

Anyway, I suppose it's just the way I am. Lax. A bit of a pushover. Easygoing. My mom said to me, shortly after having Portia, as I was putting her in a tiny life jacket and taking her on a boat, that I was more relaxed with my 1st child then she was with her 4th. I think that's probably true and paints a picture of how life is in our house. I figure everything that needs to get done, will, and everything else doesn't matter. What's the saying? "If it's a priority, you'll make time". That applies to everything in life, dont ya think?

When it comes to my kids, my goal each day is to look at them, listen to them, not yell at them (I try), treat them with respect, have fun with them, be their buddy and hopefully encourage them to grow into a loving, happy, kind, honest person. And all the other stuff? I just don't care about. (Other than teeth brushing and showering. Stinkiness is where I draw the line, lol.)

Which is why on most days I feel like I come up short compared to other moms. I mean, quite frankly there are people without babies, without children even, that seem to know more about child stuff than I do. My own mom who hasn't raised babies in 20 years, knows more about normal developmental milestones than I do.

I'm kind of a failure in that sense and maybe that's why I like to define myself in other ways. Because being M-O-M in the traditional sense isn't me.

But, when I break it down and look at the big picture. I can say with 100% certainty that I do everything for my kids to the best of my ability. I think about them and I factor them into every equation. I love them with every ounce of my heart. There is nobody in the world, not even Mike, that I love more than Portia, Addie and Scarlett.

So I guess what that makes me is a proud, flag waving, shout it from the rooftops. eM-Oh-eM. MOM. Mother. Mama. Mommy. Momma. However you spell it!

Life would cease to exist without my girls. They ARE my world, and as much as I try to deny it, they DO define me. My arms feel empty without them. I feel naked when I'm not carrying a kid or holding a hand. I feel like a fish out of water when I go somewhere and people assume I am not a mom. Why? Because I'm pretty damn proud of that title. I've been one for roughly 9 years and I've earned it! And it's no easy task! And it's not handed out to anyone. And it's a privilege. I think I need to start wearing a button or something. ;)

Thank you girls for giving me my identity. For teaching me how to love deeply,  without conditions. For making me laugh. For giving my life purpose. For giving me a reason to get moving every day. For giving me satisfaction in knowing that if today were my last day, I would have left the world a fulfilled, better person because of you three. You are my world. I will always do my best. I will always love you with 100% of my heart. You make me so proud and so incredibly happy.

love, mommy  (who will not/cannot remember any specific thing you've done outside of what happened on this very day...which is why I take pictures. )

(This post was inspired by a loving mom who died suddenly and unexpectedly on Tuesday. She has two daughters who are right in between Addie & Portia's ages. She was a pillar in our community. She was positive and loving and caring and kind... everything I hope to be.  Her death reminded me what truly matters in life. For me, for her, and for millions of other women, I know the answer to that is our children. Rest in peace JJ)